The News from Gridleyville

Being a person who knows little about politics and misunderstands much of that little, I feel it’s incumbent upon me to share my predictions about the upcoming U.S. election. Clearly the experts are befuddled, so the responsibility for commentary falls on us ignoramuses.

Here’s what I predict:

• President Twitterman will survive the coronavirus. If he suffers mental impairment from the disease, no one will know the difference.
• He’ll lose the popular vote by a large margin (though not nearly as large as he deserves).
• He’ll lose the electoral vote by a frighteningly small margin.
• While making lots of noise about fraud, he will ultimately retire from the fray rather than mount a coup—because, like a typical bully, he’s a coward at heart.
• Though Biden will promise healing, outrage will continue to multiply on both sides, and some people will get killed.
• Ultimately the deplorables, as Hillary Clinton called them, will fade from sight, skulking underground like cicada nymphs until their next chance to emerge. Which they will do, in time.